


I Am Loved

by AwokenMonster



Series: Gifts [14]
Category: Hollywood Undead (Band)
Genre: Depression, Funny's an asshole about Danny 3 Tears, Johnny's floral hoodie is fabulous and you fucking know it, Light in the darkness, M/M, No Homo, happy end, self-deprication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-12 16:20:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15998900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwokenMonster/pseuds/AwokenMonster
Summary: "I don’t want to bother people with how I feel. I don’t want to give them a descriptive report of my fucked up morning dilemma whether it’s worth it to get up or not. Whether I should just lay down and pray the world disappears while I’m unconscious. Hope to sleep for an eternity or at least until I’m old enough to leave this all behind. I don’t want to bother anyone with those ideas."orCharlie really needs someone to understandimplied J-Dog/Charlie SceneDefinitely Danny/Johnny 3 TearsRated M for themes





	I Am Loved

**Author's Note:**

  * For [justNoa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/justNoa/gifts).



> Monster: Hi guys! So. This was actually a vent. I started writing it while listening to I Am Human by Escape The Fate, a song that offered me a happy bubble for a while so the fic was supposed to be suuuper happy but I couldn't keep up the happy bubble and it turned out quite dark again... Sorry? Kinda not sorry. I loved how this one turned out, even if the ending could've been better. I just love a good ending dialogue. Enjoy!
> 
> Gifted this fic to one of my baby sisters, Noa because she deserves some J-Charlie and everything nice. You're a lovely person to talk to! Sorry this gift turned out to be so dark, meant to write something happy for you. Ah well, I still have Fragile Mi- never mind.

I woke up and got out of bed today.

Short and simple, as if it’s an active action to perform rather than an automatic one I do every single day. Unfortunately it is an active decision for me. I don’t just get up every single morning to face the world like most people do. It’s something I’m not proud of. Something I don’t share with just anyone. It’s something I share with no one in fact.

I don’t want to bother people with how I feel. I don’t want to give them a descriptive report of my fucked up morning dilemma whether it’s worth it to get up or not. Whether I should just lay down and pray the world disappears while I’m unconscious. Hope to sleep for an eternity or at least until I’m old enough to leave this all behind. I don’t want to bother anyone with those ideas.

After all, telling them doesn’t change anything for me. If I pronounce how I feel, I won’t magically fix the large crack through my chest. I won’t just gain my confidence and learn to love myself the way people around me seem to love themselves. I won’t develop a self-esteem higher than a patch of grass for me to trample on. So why bother?

Why tell anyone how I feel if it won’t make a difference for me anyway? If anything, I feel better when I don’t talk about it. Talking about it only makes it reality anyway. If I don’t acknowledge it, the problem isn’t there.

Yes.

Now how do you keep up that attitude for another 60 years? 70? Fuck, how long is my life expectancy anyway? Science and all that shit. Maybe they’ll freeze me when I’m dead. God, please don’t. Must be the worst nightmare of people like me.

After I left my bed, I avoided all mirrors while stepping into the bathroom. They never made me feel any better about myself. If I were to look in the mirror and say “I am worthy”, it would crack because it knows I’m lying. I can’t look myself in the eye while lying about how I feel about myself. I hopped into the shower for far longer than any normal person probably showers but it’s just something, you know? I can wash away the disappointment of waking up.

I got dressed, headed downstairs to skip breakfast and meet up with the guys. It’s been getting harder to face them every single day. We’re in a band so we get stuck together regularly but when you’re down deep like me, it’s a drag to keep hiding the exhaustion and pain all the time. At the same time, I couldn’t just quit the band. I wanted their favour, their approval of my existence. I needed them but I’m sure they wouldn’t need me.

If I left this world behind, they would be devastated, yes. I wasn’t delusional. People do get sad when someone dies but once a few weeks pass, one by one people would stop grieving for my death and I’ll be nothing but a sad memory. If I even got remembered at all. Didn’t sound so bad if it would end my suffering, right? Just thoughts. No actions… Right?

“It’s Charlie motherfucking Scene!” Funny Man called out when I walked into the studio. I smiled inevitably and took up a seat on the couch, next to Jay.

Jay turned his face to me. “You doing alright, today?”

There was a gentle expression on his face. One of understanding. Not about what I was going through but he’d understand if I wanted to talk about it just as much as he would understand if I didn’t. Jay was one of the few sharp eyes to catch onto my general state as soon as I walked through the doors.

The first time he noticed, he’d said “you okay?” and I’d nodded with a light “yeah”. The way I reply to anyone when shit’s bad but he’d cocked his head and said: “Don’t lie to me. I know you. This is not happy you.”

The fact he noticed made me feel something. I wasn’t sure if it was positive or negative but it was something and something is always better than not feeling anything at all about it. If that makes sense.

I looked up at Funny but he was spinning on the desk chair. The others hadn’t arrived yet so I turned back to Jay. “Just tired, I think.”

Translation; _No, I don’t wanna talk about it_.

I never wanted to talk about it.

I would never talk about it.

Until it was too late.

Several minutes later Danny 3 Tears arrived. Johnny came in first so I didn’t spot Danny at first but of course they’d arrive together. They did everything together now. “Are you wearing Johnny’s floral hoodie?”

The singer looked down. “Oh, I guess I am.”

“you slut”, Funny called out. “It looks baggy on you. Keep that type of stuff inside the walls of your bedroom, dude. No wonder you guys are late. Are you limping?”

Danny turned bright pink but glared back at him. “We’re late because Johnny takes forever in the shower!”

“So do I but I’m still on time”, I argued, attracting the singer’s negative attention. I held up my hands. “Protect me, Jay!”

J-Dog shook his head. “Danny, no. Down, boy.”

“Can you not treat my beloved like a dog?” Johnny growled, suddenly far too close for Jay’s comfort. The dollar masked rapper froze on the spot. The older hadn’t had his morning coffee yet.

Oh shit. Morning mood.

“I thought I was your beloved”, I jumped in and Johnny looked up, corners of his mouth slightly arched upwards. “Oh yeah, sorry babe.”

“It’s ok, babe”, I grinned.

I may not feel lasting happiness but at least around these guys I felt better for just a few hours until I’d return to my usual self.

Now, we had work to do. An album to record and all that. Music helped too. Music and my closest friends but they helped less than they used to so I was afraid that maybe one day, they wouldn’t help me forget about myself for a while.

That I’ll be bothered 24/7 but those are thoughts I shove into the darkest corner of my mind. That corner is slowly taking over the centre of my mind though.

After a few hours we decided to call it a day and quit for today. Johnny took up the couch with Danny and Funny siding him. He put his arms around both of them and yawned. “Exhausting day with my bitches. Can that be the Instagram caption?”

“Hashtag Danny 3 Man”, J-Dog commented but Funny shook his head. “I don’t wanna take part in this manwich. Danny 3 Tears and J-Charlie.”

I raised an eyebrow. “J-Charlie? Really? I don’t like that name. If you wanna couple us up, find a better one.”

“Dog Scene”, Danny stated. “Definitely Dog Scene.”

“Scene Dog. More Matt’s vibe”, J-Dog argued and we laughed it off. Wonder how Matt’s been doing anyway. I missed that fucker sometimes. Our bickering was fun. To me. Probably not to him.

We left one by one. Danny 3 Tears was the first to go, annoyed by our constant wooing whenever they’d lean in even a little bit. The final straw was when Johnny reached to get his phone out of his pocket and leaned towards Danny. He’d had it then. The singer followed.

“They are so cute, even if there’s no pda at all”, Jay said to no one in particular. I hummed and Funny shrugged. “Still getting used to the fact they’re together, you know?”

“Yeah.”

“I should head home too”, I sadly stated, dread creeping up on me that I would head home and be alone again. With my thoughts. Jay got up. “Can I give you a ride home? Or did you drive here?”

“No, got here by foot.”

Jay waved at Funny. “See you tomorrow.”

The Mexican waved back. “Bye, baby! No homo!”

“All of the homo!”

I rolled my eyes as we stepped outside. I was grateful for Jay’s offer to drive me home. A few minutes less to spend in my head. It was cold outside so I zipped up my hoodie and sunk my hands into my pockets. Jay had his keys in hand and beckoned me to follow him to his car. He didn’t say much.

Neither did I.

I got into the car and we drove to my place. “What are you gonna do tonight?”

“I don’t know.”

_Survive._

God, I needed to stop pitying myself so bad. Oh woe is me, I don’t like myself and therefore think the world hates me too. Fuck these thoughts and fuck my self-pity and fuck the fact I can’t stop feeling guilty over wanting to cease to exist. FUCK.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Jordon…”

“Don’t. Please don’t, Jay”, I asked and he shut his mouth for the rest of the car ride. We reached my house and I got out. “Thanks for the ride.”

I turned around but he stepped out of the car as well. “What are you doing?”

“I-…” Jay seemed confused. “Can I invite myself tonight? You don’t know what to do and I don’t have any plans. I don’t know.”

“Sure”, I muttered and I let us both in. The silence was tense and I knew it was because of that upcoming conversation I had cut off in the car. Maybe I should say something about it.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

Great. I’d been thinking about it more than him. He probably already forgot about that conversation anyway. Why do I always keep thinking someone would care about my state of mind anyway? Someone asks, I avoid and then they don’t care anymore because of my stubborn ass.

“Stop that.”

I looked up to find him glaring at me. He punched my arm. “I hate it when you get that look on your face. I know you don’t wanna talk about this for whatever reason you have. Maybe you think I don’t wanna hear it, maybe you think it’ll make you less of a man but whatever it is, it doesn’t. If talking about it doesn’t help you, then I don’t know what I can do to ease your pain. Do you want me to magically understand it and offer you comfort instead?”

I was taken aback by that but he held out his arms. “Well? Please tell me you do because if that’s not the case, I’m making a complete fool out of myself for wanting to hug you and tell you everything will be fine.”

“Will it be?” I asked, hesitantly stepping closer. I wish things would be fine.

“It will if you’re with me”, he teased and I cracked a smile, returning his attempted hug. “Thanks.”

“Sooo you still don’t wanna talk about it?”

“No, you magically understand anyway.”

**Author's Note:**

> please leave a comment, they're our heavy fuel!


End file.
